At The Daily Californian
My weekly column "The Person Inside" (total of 10 articles) was published on Thursdays both in Print and Online and spoke of my lived experiences with Autism.
In this introductory video, the other opinion columnists and I explain what our columns are about. My introduction starts at 3:19
The Opinion Column Team The Daily Cal
With Opinion Editors
I am here and I....
Article written in Jan for the Jeena Yahaan 2018 Brochure.
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I am here and I...
I am here and I …am humbled.
What an amazing opportunity it is for me to go to UC Berkeley. Who would have imagined this significantly challenged autistic guy even going to college, let alone the #4 University in the world, a decade back.
I am here and I...am in awe.
I am surrounded by brilliant minds and learning from the best teachers in the world. UC Berkeley is steeped in history, tradition and world-changing accomplishments. Home of 16 elements of the periodic table (including Plutonium and Berkelium), 90 Nobel Laureates, even the site of a Nobel Prize Ceremony at Wheeler Hall.
I am here and I...am inspired.
To protest, question and demand change is an unquestioned prerogative of Berkeley Students.
This is where the Civil Rights Movement and where Free Speech Movement began. Berkeley is also the birthplace of the Disability Rights Movement. Ed Roberts started at UC Berkeley in 1962 even though they had no accommodations for the quite severely-affected-by-polio Roberts at that time. His efforts paved the way for others with physical disabilities and later individuals with developmental disabilities. He started the very first Disabled Students Program in the US right here.
I am here and I.. feel supported.
No one questions my intelligence or my capability to learn in a classroom with 1000 other students. A very significant shift from my special-education days. At Berkeley, I am met with courtesy and respect from Professors and students. Rather than a traditional narrow focus based on the confusing autism diagnosis, accommodations are made to work around my functional limitations and help me be successful. I am having fun too.
I am here and I.. am galvanized.
I took up Psychology as that is the study of the human mind and behavior. I plan to minor in Disability Studies. I want to use the knowledge I gain and channelize it into advocacy and research such that it will contribute towards improving the quality of life for individuals like me. Going to Berkeley will earn me a seat at the table. I can bring about shifts in attitude and change. I can be part of the decision making about us disabled individuals instead of others deciding our fate.
I am here and I... am the tiny minnow.
I would be lying if I said Berkeley was not stressful. Academic expectations are high and the work pace is frantic. The campus is a vast ocean to navigate and I feel like a tiny minnow being swept along. I have felt out of my depth many a time. I would like to do a lot more but I can often feel just overwhelmed.
I am here and I..thank the cosmic hand.
I really wanted Berkeley. Undoubtedly the cosmic hand is at play in my journey though many of the solutions are still shrouded in fog. I can only hope that the fog thins out so the road ahead is clearer. At the end of the day, we all wish to be productive and contributing members of society.
Cancun Vacation
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| In front of Playa Delfines |
Cancun in the Yucatan Peninsula, was our New Year destination this winter.
Cancun used to be an uninhabited area of beautiful beaches, snakes, mangrove forests and wetlands before it became the resort and theme-park filled tourist attraction of today.
The beaches at Cancun are absolutely OUTSTANDING and beyond expectations. The best beach by far was Playa Delfines. It's a public beach so there are no towering hotel chain right behind you. The fine white sand is silky smooth to the touch, probably due to the limestone nature of the shore. The water was at a perfect temperature or around 75-80 C, neither hot nor cold, and a far cry from the usually cold beaches one finds in the US, especially in the Bay Area where I live. It was shallow for almost 1/4 mile so one could walk all the way on the sandy floor of the sea, in just waist deep water and enjoy the waves breaking around your body. One can stand in that water all day long it seems, and I enjoyed a full 2.5 hours in the water without even considering a break.
The view of the sapphire ocean and the waves frothing and cascading one behind the other was an absolute delight. On the beach were cute little Palapas (huts) which offered some shade from those seeking shade from the not-at-all-hot sun.
The beach is home to lots of native fauna and flora. Above us, flocks of seagulls were playing around by forming patterns in their flight and swooping down almost to the level of the sea. A few just hovered in the air a few feet above the sea, almost like hummingbirds. Herons, Egrets, ibis, spoonbills, and cormorants also flew overhead. An Osprey (seahawk) swooped down and caught a fish in its claws. This beach is also home to nesting Ridley turtles in season. Now that is something I would love to see.
Water Water Everywhere!!
The touristy part of Cancun is essentially a strip of land nestled between the Carribean Sea and the Nichupte Lagoon in the Yucatan Peninsula of Mexico. The strip is just packed with resorts and hotels all catering to tourists. Come New Year, almost every other hotel had midnight fireworks, so from the balcony, you could see a series of fireworks launched from each hotel all the way to the horizon. It was an interesting spectacle.
There were also obviously lots of "touristy" beach activities to enjoy.
I went Kayaking on the morning of the Dec 31st in one of the other beaches on the Caribbean Sea. Little fish even nibbled at your feet as you stood in the waves near the shore, which was a little startling at first. The view was magnificent.
In the evening, I got a chance to enjoy the hotel pool as well.
Then it was Parasailing SkyRiding on the morning of the 1st Jan above the Nichupte Lagoon.
During our Chichen Itza tour, the bus had stopped at La Casona de Valladolid, in the town of Valladolid. The restaurant served up a buffet with enough offerings for even us vegetarians. The Cactus Salad was especially something new and quite tasty.
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| Chichen Itza |
There is a whole complex of temples and other structures around the central pyramid known as El Castillo. Inside is the famed Jaguar Throne. Unfortunately, visitors are no longer allowed to climb the stairs these last 12 years. It is a magnificent structure, but also the site to a lot of human sacrifices by the Mayans, which is a little disquieting. The Mayans sure went to great lengths to appease their spirit world. Archeologists are discovering connected caves, tunnels, and cenotes (natural sinkholes) as they attempt to unravel the mystery of their civilization and structures.
The South face of the pyramid shows both the restored and unrestored portions of the pyramid
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| Unrestored and Restored Parts of Pyramid |
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| other structures in the complex |
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| marketplace |
Cenotes are subterranean natural sinkholes, filled with water and found all over the Yucatan Peninsula in Mexico. The Chichen Itza complex itself has a Cenote called the Sacred Cenote. We visited another Cenote near Velocidad.
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| Shell Fossil embedded in ceiling of Cenote |
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| A Giant Serpent on the side of the Tour Bus |
Overall a short but very interesting vacation. Loved, loved it, especially the amazing beaches.
Minutes Before Sleep
Minutes Before Sleep
Sounds of singing and laughter drift my way
Dark is the night yet I’m wide-awake
Hear the leaves rustle, moving in the breeze
Breeze flows gently over my camp bed.
Soft patter of critters on my windowsill
Going about their business, while I drift into sleep
Day begins for nocturnal life and ends for me.
Sounds of singing and laughter drift my way
Dark is the night yet I’m wide-awake
Hear the leaves rustle, moving in the breeze
Breeze flows gently over my camp bed.
Soft patter of critters on my windowsill
Going about their business, while I drift into sleep
Day begins for nocturnal life and ends for me.
The Color of Me
The Color of Me
I ask, What is the
Color of Me?
azure blue like the calm sea
undulating ripples from a gentle breeze
a perky yellow sun beam
A dash of bravura
Desire is wisdom, wish and will
primodial karma of being transferring into becoming
movement has to be anchored
origin of individual timelessness
thought vs action
intoxication
self control
thought manifested
self inquiry
toward that consciousness
the uncertainty principle
infinite unknowns
fruit of knowledge
persistence and perseverance, essential qualities
I ask again, What is the
Color of Me?
Goodbye Rishi Srinivasan
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| Rishi the showdog |
Veritable Senior Citizen.
15 dog years, 105 human years.
Golden Fur Shih Tzu.
I miss you, friend.
My 15 yr old Shih Tzu passed away on Sunday night. The house is gonna feel different without him around underfoot and acting as quite the proverbial sibling at times by competing for attention and food.
Meditating in the forest deep.
Flowing hair like a Hermit Rishi.
Expression, a thoughtful contemplation.
Rishi Srinivasan, an appropriate name.
Rishi came to our house when I was in elementary school. Rishi had this mournful look about him and his long fur made him look like a rishi (hermit) meditating in the forest. So he was aptly named Rishi. Rishi would accompany my mom to pick me up from Mr Tran’s class those days. My classmate Ryan asked me his name and when I responded, “Rishi,” Ryan immediately exclaimed, “Hari Srinivasan’s dog is Rishi Srinivasan.” So that’s how Rishi became Rishi Srinivasan. The name tag that hung from his collar proudly stated “Rishi Srinivasan” and had our phone number on it.
Fluffy wagging tail, a furry bouquet.
Former show dog, a handsome dude.
Pets from strangers, a regular thing.
Tourists, “Can we take a picture with him please?”
Whenever we’d taken him out to beaches or to Yosemite, folks had always wanted to pet him. Many tourists have wanted to take photos with him. I think in his younger days, Rishi probably knew that he was good looking and was proud of it too. When anyone took a photo, Rishi would join in, give a pose and look right at the camera. People often mistook Rishi for a girl dog as he was so pretty. I wonder if Rishi minded being called a “her” by people who wanted to pet him.
Angle and wagging of the tail.
Eyes sparkle or mournful to suit the mood.
His body spoke so much to you.
Rishi communicated a lot just through his body language. The position and angle of his tail itself would be an expression of his delight, his disapproval, his disappointment or his sorrow. His eyes too would sparkle with joy or become mournful when he needed a treat from an adult.
Package of love in under 20 lbs.
Barks stating “I love you, Hari!”
A Happy Dance when seeing me.
Cute paw over paw greeting.
That Rishi absolutely adored me is without a doubt. He’d be camped on the front doormat the entire time I was in school - from the time I got on the school bus to the time the bus returned. He would hear the bus at the end of the road and come to life joyfully announcing my return. As soon as I stepped in the door, he would do this cute paw over paw on the ground and then skip around in a dance; we called it Rishi’s Happy Dance.
One time I was on the backyard swing and Rishi was running circles around me happily barking. My therapist asked me, “What is Rishi saying?” expecting me to say “Woof” or something to that effect. Instead, I instinctively responded with “I love you, Hari!”.
One time I was on the backyard swing and Rishi was running circles around me happily barking. My therapist asked me, “What is Rishi saying?” expecting me to say “Woof” or something to that effect. Instead, I instinctively responded with “I love you, Hari!”.
Concern for me when sick.
Vigilant guard during therapy.
Message clear to therapists.
“Take good care of Hari.”
When I was sick, a very concerned Rishi would lie at the foot of my bed, till I got better. If I said the word "bathroom," in any room in the house, Rishi would run to the nearest adult and give a sharp bark as if to say, “Go attend to Hari.”
When therapists came over, he would keep an eye on them from his place at the door of the room, making sure they were treating me right. Therapist Cherie has even laughingly assured him, “Rishi, don’t worry, I’m taking good care of Hari.”
I was taught to say his name in ABA therapy though I already knew his name inside my mind. During my later charter school years, Rishi was my mascot, lying under the table as I did my lessons.
When therapists came over, he would keep an eye on them from his place at the door of the room, making sure they were treating me right. Therapist Cherie has even laughingly assured him, “Rishi, don’t worry, I’m taking good care of Hari.”
I was taught to say his name in ABA therapy though I already knew his name inside my mind. During my later charter school years, Rishi was my mascot, lying under the table as I did my lessons.
Understood nuances of this extra-special kid.
Alas, the autism factor.
Love could not be stated explicitly.
The quality I think we admire most in dogs is their empathy and Rishi had that in abundance. Intuitively he understood my differences and adapted to it. He learned to work around a lot of my needs and behaviors. For instance, he had really wanted to sleep with me on the bed but I could not handle that, so he just slept in his basket. Instead, he became my music buddy, camping on the bed when I would listen to music on the headphones or during prayer when he would dutifully sit the whole time and listen.
As a young dog, he would try to intervene when I became agitated but his small size meant he really could not do much. So he learned it was better to just keep out of the way but would come back and sit next to me later to offer comfort.
Rishi followed me around and showed his love even though I did not always explicitly display outward affection for him. Hugging and petting a dog was not my strong suit as that is a very sensory experience and I have all sorts of sensory dysregulation. Until the very end, I had not found a real comfortable way to physically interact with him, the autism part of me puts many obstacles in the way.
Autism often means that our behavior and body mannerisms can be contrary to our thought. But I think Rishi just totally understood that and did not demand or expect a reciprocal physical interaction with me. I think he got enough hugs and cuddling from other adults. Rishi also instinctively sensed the times I was more receptive to touching him and when I was not. My touch too has not always been regulated so Rishi just learned to wiggle out if I was a little rough.
In a world that is filled with naysayers and doubters for us differently-abled folks, it is refreshing to experience such non-judgemental and unconditional love that dogs like Rishi bring. Every disabled child needs to have a dog sometime in their life.
As a young dog, he would try to intervene when I became agitated but his small size meant he really could not do much. So he learned it was better to just keep out of the way but would come back and sit next to me later to offer comfort.
Rishi followed me around and showed his love even though I did not always explicitly display outward affection for him. Hugging and petting a dog was not my strong suit as that is a very sensory experience and I have all sorts of sensory dysregulation. Until the very end, I had not found a real comfortable way to physically interact with him, the autism part of me puts many obstacles in the way.
Autism often means that our behavior and body mannerisms can be contrary to our thought. But I think Rishi just totally understood that and did not demand or expect a reciprocal physical interaction with me. I think he got enough hugs and cuddling from other adults. Rishi also instinctively sensed the times I was more receptive to touching him and when I was not. My touch too has not always been regulated so Rishi just learned to wiggle out if I was a little rough.
In a world that is filled with naysayers and doubters for us differently-abled folks, it is refreshing to experience such non-judgemental and unconditional love that dogs like Rishi bring. Every disabled child needs to have a dog sometime in their life.
Every 2 months.
Shaggy bear to shorn sheep.
Sudden new dog in the house.
Autism mind - not reconcile.
Rishi was a hypoallergenic dog with double coated fur. His fur did not shed, rather it grew out so long that his eyes would be completely covered by fur. So he would go to the dog groomers every couple of months to be bathed and get all his fur trimmed back. He would come back with a bandana and a bow. The transformation would throw me in the early days. A overgrown shaggy dog left at the groomers was picked up a shorn sheep. He would look so different that I would be quite scared of this new dog. I would refuse to go near this new Rishi for a few days.
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| Before Grooming |
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| After Grooming |
Fruit connoisseur, a banana-loving dog.
Gnaw Carrots, his veggie bone.
Idli, pesarattu, into Indian Food.
Protest bark if not offered a piece.
Rishi loved Indian food like yogurt rice, plain dhal, idlis and salt-free pesarattu. My family is vegetarian and salt and spices were added to most dishes after keeping some aside for Rishi. He loved apples, pears, avocado, boiled potatoes, boiled beans, carrots, moong sprouts, quinoa, and cucumber. He would sit on the kitchen floor and stare mournfully and sometimes make noises of protest in different tones if he was not given a piece. If still nothing was forthcoming, his tail would be stiff and he would give a sharp bark as a reminder that he needed a share.
He was quite the connoisseur of fruit, and banana was his all-time favorite. If he walked into the room and realized I’d eaten a banana without him (he could still smell the banana in the air), he would whimper sadly. Rishi could probably eat a whole banana or even two bananas if we let him. A carrot was his daily vegetarian bone and he would gnaw on it all day.
Even as he has acted like an older sibling in his concern for me, he has also acted like a younger sibling - competing with me for food and attention from my parents. At times the autism part of me has not liked this, though the logical part of my mind has reminded me that he’s just a small wholly dependent dog, and that this was no competition at all.
He was quite the connoisseur of fruit, and banana was his all-time favorite. If he walked into the room and realized I’d eaten a banana without him (he could still smell the banana in the air), he would whimper sadly. Rishi could probably eat a whole banana or even two bananas if we let him. A carrot was his daily vegetarian bone and he would gnaw on it all day.
Even as he has acted like an older sibling in his concern for me, he has also acted like a younger sibling - competing with me for food and attention from my parents. At times the autism part of me has not liked this, though the logical part of my mind has reminded me that he’s just a small wholly dependent dog, and that this was no competition at all.
Paw on keyboard.
A look that says, “Me too.”
Hari, you are getting a voice.
I want a conversation with you
I think Rishi was thrilled when I first started using AAC. He would come, place his paw on the computer keyboard and look up as though he too wanted to type out a sentence or two. I bet if he’d been taught to type too, he’d have had a ton to say too. He totally knew the keyboard was somehow helping me. One of my earliest poems was about Rishi.
Had yoga got regard for how darling dogs are
gist of young dogs joy it fortells
joy obvious from its tail, paws, and head.
Understanding silky body moves
God-given gift just for kid
total love in just under twenty pounds.
Noisy licking just unintended
fur very elegant has total appeal
had noted fundamentals of kid.
gist of young dogs joy it fortells
joy obvious from its tail, paws, and head.
Understanding silky body moves
God-given gift just for kid
total love in just under twenty pounds.
Noisy licking just unintended
fur very elegant has total appeal
had noted fundamentals of kid.
.
Judicious desire to total caring
Its paw over paw greeting delightful
fur around legs like a skirt.
Beyond holy is his name
brother to kid he has been
forever kid's unquestioning pal.
Beyond holy is his name
brother to kid he has been
forever kid's unquestioning pal.
Unfortunately Rishi started getting health issues. He got some kind of allergy and almost lost all his fur. My folks even tried alternative therapies with him like Homeopathy but he steadily lost weight. I remember saying, “Noisy licking keeps kid awake.”
Fortunately, a new vet was identified who changed his kibble and meds. My Saroja Paati (grandma) was also visiting and she changed his diet to include lots of boiled vegetables, dhal, and curd rice. Prior to that Rishi had been primarily on wet and dry processed dog food. Rishi prospered so much that the vet asked if it was the same dog during the next visit. Rishi with his glorious fur and sparkle was back.
Fortunately, a new vet was identified who changed his kibble and meds. My Saroja Paati (grandma) was also visiting and she changed his diet to include lots of boiled vegetables, dhal, and curd rice. Prior to that Rishi had been primarily on wet and dry processed dog food. Rishi prospered so much that the vet asked if it was the same dog during the next visit. Rishi with his glorious fur and sparkle was back.
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| Rishi in Raincoat |
Alas, old age catches on.
Perpetual allergies, Ear infections.
Vision gone, Hard of hearing.
Body slows down.
Rishi’s earlier illness meant that he’d also developed lifelong allergies. He had to be gluten free, milk free and on special Kangaroo meat kibble and hypoallergenic dog treats for the rest of his life. He was at the vet a lot for some allergy related issue or ear infection and constantly on meds. As he aged, parts of his golden mane started turning grey, (yes, even dogs get grey hair).
In the last few years, Rishi also started slowing down. He slept most of the day. His sight started deteriorating till he became almost completely blind. Apparantely Shih-Tzu's are genetically prone to eye issues. He was on eyedrops all the time so his eyes would not dry out. He knew his way around our old house so it was not that obvious.
His sight issues became very noticeable when we moved to a new house. Poor Rishi would bump into things and not know how to navigate the steps in the backyard of our new place. His poor vision meant he would not see my sudden impulsive body moves. He no longer constantly followed me around and our interaction dwindled even more.
Two years ago, he developed a tumor and had a toe surgically removed. He stopped barking when the front doorbell rang; perhaps he became hard of hearing. But till the last day, he would come running for food - especially if he could smell banana in the air.
In the last few years, Rishi also started slowing down. He slept most of the day. His sight started deteriorating till he became almost completely blind. Apparantely Shih-Tzu's are genetically prone to eye issues. He was on eyedrops all the time so his eyes would not dry out. He knew his way around our old house so it was not that obvious.
His sight issues became very noticeable when we moved to a new house. Poor Rishi would bump into things and not know how to navigate the steps in the backyard of our new place. His poor vision meant he would not see my sudden impulsive body moves. He no longer constantly followed me around and our interaction dwindled even more.
Two years ago, he developed a tumor and had a toe surgically removed. He stopped barking when the front doorbell rang; perhaps he became hard of hearing. But till the last day, he would come running for food - especially if he could smell banana in the air.
Rishi’s condition really went south last weekend. He could not even hold his neck straight. He had to be hand fed as he could not eat his hard kibble. Good thing was that he still ate his favorite banana the morning before he died. By Sunday night he was in bad shape. My folks did their best to shield me from what was happening but I did hear two sharp cries of pain and his loud raspy breathing on Sunday night. He stopped breathing just before midnight. We took him to the vet to be cremated and will get his ashes in two weeks.
I’m not quite sure of how I feel now. I think I’m still trying to process. I know I am sad; after all, Rishi had been a huge part of my life for 15 years. There are more emotions swimming around inside but no words for them just yet. I am gonna miss Rishi’s cute shenanigans, his unconditional love and his presence around the house.
Rishi was a spiritual dog for he loved prayer and vibuthi.
Go now and rest at God’s feet, Rishi Srinivasan, as your journey comes to an end.
Rishi was a spiritual dog for he loved prayer and vibuthi.
Go now and rest at God’s feet, Rishi Srinivasan, as your journey comes to an end.
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| Rishi's Ashes were immersed at East Beach under the Golden Gate Bridge |
Correspondence inference
Correspondence inference
correlation presumption
relation supposition
accord coincidence
correlation presumption
relation supposition
accord coincidence
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