Uniquely Hari: OCD

Showing posts with label OCD. Show all posts

https://www.dailycal.org/2018/04/12/compulsion-complexity

OCD

https://www.dailycal.org/2018/04/12/compulsion-complexity

Stimming is not soothing

I wish folks stop saying stimming is soothing.

Stimming is soothing only upto a point. It quickly crosses over into OCD and is exhausting, mentally and physically draining, caught in this behavioral loop you cannot get out of.

My mind is spinning round and round
Compelled to do what can't be found
Repetitive acts, a daily grind
OCD consumes, hard to unwind.

Powerful urge, the need is great
To ease the mind, to alleviate
Thoughts plague, won't go away
OCD controls, no matter what I say

Constant struggle, day by day
To keep those obsessive compulsive behaviors at bay

Can’t give in
….Must break the spin

Embracing HOPE

as a new day begins.

ASD and OCD

Sharing a poem written by, Sara Cheng, one of the students in my 1:54 Autism Spectrum Disorder Class, looking at the intersectionality of Autism with OCD.

I can so relate on many levels having both Autism + OCD + bunch of other things. Thank you Sara.

When you add ADHD into this mix of Autism + OCD, it complicates the issue even more. The autism part of me wants the comfort of sameness/routine but ADHD part craves novelty and easily gets bored with doing the same task. So I can get terribly frustrated and bored with my OCD behaviors, even as part of me is impulsively doing it perhaps to seek some form of comfort. For instance, I'm opening and closing the same cupboard doors, even as part of me is thinking, "How BORING is this?!!" Or I'm obsessed with the zip being closed on all backpacks around me, even if its the backpack of others around me, just itching to get up and close their backpacks, or noticing that lint on the dark colored jackets of others and just itching to pick those off - how boring is this = seriously, my mental energy could be better spent elsewhere.

(Full text of Sara's poem is at bottom of post, for screen reader accessibility).

This is what Sara has to say about her poem:

“ASD | OCD” is a creative poem I wrote about the intersectionality between Autism Spectrum and Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). I personally have OCD, but not autism, so I was interested to learn more about the experience of individuals with both.

My poem describes the morning routines of a person with ASD and OCD. Both columns depict the same actions, but highlight differences in how the individual thinks about the actions, or why they perform the actions, based on the differences between ASD and OCD.

I incorporated narratives from this Spectrum News article and videos from Daniel Jones, (The Aspie World on YouTube), who talks about his experience having autism and OCD. I also drew from my own experiences with OCD.

- Sara Cheng, 1:15 Autism Spectrum Disorder Class, Spring 2022

Here is the full text of the poem for screen reader accessibility

ASD/OCD (by Sara Cheng)
My life is structured by routine and repetition.	My life is structured by routine and repetition.
When I wake up in the morning I go to the bathroom, wash my hands, brush my teeth, and wash my face. Always in the same order.	When I wake up in the morning, I wash my hands, wash my hands, wash my hands, wash my hands, brush my teeth, and wash my face. Always in the same order.
The water has to run with the same pressure every time. That is the right pressure, and it makes me feel content.	The water has to run with the same pressure every time. That is the right pressure, and if it is not right, I will turn it off, turn it on, until it is right.
I put on a shirt and pants, ones sewn with French seams – the same kind I wore yesterday, the day before, and every day. I wear these clothes because regular seams are too itchy and uncomfortable.	I put on a shirt and pants, ones sewn with French seams – the same kind I wore yesterday, the day before, and every day.
I eat the same breakfast as I do every day. I like this texture and it doesn’t make me feel uneasy.	I eat the same breakfast as I do every day. I have to eat with my right hand, holding my fork at the same angle and between the same fingers, or else I can not take a bite.
Aside my girlfriend, I flick the fingers on my left hand. She knows that I stim to self soothe.	Aside my girlfriend, I try to hide how many times I pick up and put down my fork. She knows about my OCD but I am embarrassed to show her sometimes.
I structure my day with routines because it makes me feel safe, comfortable and secure.	I structure my day with routines because I am afraid of what will happen if I don’t. That someone will get hurt if I don’t.
I like to talk about my autism with others, because I can relate to them, and they can relate to me.	I don’t like to talk about my OCD with others, because I don’t want to voice the feelings of guilt and stress around my obsessions and compulsions.
Autism is a part of who I am.	OCD is a part of me I wish I didn’t have.

Compulsion Complexity

Written for for the Daily Californian

https://www.dailycal.org/2018/04/12/compulsion-complexity/

I explain the phenomenon of obsessive-compulsive and repetitive behaviors that can often accompany autism.

This is the eighth of my series of 10 articles for my weekly opinion column "The Person Inside" for the Daily Californian.

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Headline: Compulsion complexity

I’m sitting in one of the smaller classrooms in Tolman Hall for a psychology discussion section. A student

walks in, and the door swings shut behind her. I’m pretty sure the door didn’t close properly, so I get up

and make sure it did. I repeat this action for the next student who walks in.

The class begins and Mike Dolsen, my GSI, starts speaking about the paper that is due in a few weeks.

Just at that moment, a third student walks through the door. I jump up to go fix the door.

Two more students walk in. This time, Mike, who has been observing me, goes and shuts the door before I can get to it. Every time a student walks in after that, Mike makes sure the door is shut.

Obsessive-compulsive behaviors is one of the comorbidities that many people with autism — like me — have to deal with.

When most folks think of obsessive-compulsive behaviors, the first image that comes to their mind is of people washing their hands until they bleed. While compulsive behaviors don’t have to be that extreme, they can nevertheless be quite disruptive to the functioning of the person engaging in them.

Another example of this behavior in my case is how I react to the lint on people’s jackets. I am hard-pressed not to rapidly walk over and remove that piece of lint. Such an action of course would be viewed as highly inappropriate behavior, but all my thoughts are all aimed at that piece of lint.

Obsessions are the unwanted thoughts, and compulsions are the impulsive behaviors that occur in response to those thoughts. I, like many on the autism spectrum, have a laundry list of such obsessive-compulsive behaviors to suit every occasion.

As a small child, I used to line up all my toys and building blocks in a perfectly straight line. My line had to be in the precise sequence of red, blue, green and yellow, with the black and white ones at the end. My line would stretch right across the room.

The best way to tackle these compulsions is systematic repeated exposure in order to recondition your brain. It’s called exposure and response prevention. To tackle my lining-up behavior, my therapists would rearrange the color sequence or break my line, and I would not be allowed to go near to fix it.

It’s kind of like what Amy Farrah Fowler attempts to do with Sheldon Cooper’s compulsion in the TV series “The Big Bang Theory.” Sheldon can’t stand an incomplete sentence or task, so Amy makes Sheldon watch as she intentionally exposes him to incomplete songs, activities and sentences.

It’s terribly hard at first. Just like Sheldon, I would re-engage in the behaviors as soon as people’s backs were turned. Eventually, I came to accept that I should not obsessively engage in that specific behavior.

The support of therapists and people around me was important — they monitor me and helped me transition. My therapists would only allow me to engage in these behaviors a certain number of times in order to help me reduce and fade the behavior. For example, I would be allowed to close the door three times before I had to stop.

Compulsive behaviors, however, are much easier to quash when the behavior is directed at objects. The availability of an object can be externally manipulated by a therapist.

But it is harder to address behaviors that are more cerebral in nature or when the compulsion is in reaction to the behaviors of others in a public setting since we can’t control their behavior. People crossing their legs bothers me, but it’s inappropriate to attempt to straighten out their legs.

Engaging in these behaviors brings about a mixture of emotions. On one level, they are strangely comforting. It feels good to have something just right — a perfection of sorts. It’s the familiar sound of the click of the door as it shuts. It’s that jacket that’s untarnished by lint.

At the same time, these behaviors are highly annoying, irritating and exhausting. My brain is well aware of this second obsessive track. Each time I repetitively engage in these behaviors, part of my brain stands aside and exasperatedly remarks, “Really, you gotta be kidding me!” or “Here we go again!” But that compulsion just overrides over any logical or intelligent thought.

Increased anxiety is the end outcome as you struggle to cope with this set of conflicting emotions and this addiction. These parallel loops of anxiety may lead to other more dysfunctional autistic behaviors in turn, and even a meltdown.

It could well be that obsessive-compulsive behaviors are coping reactions by us autistics to the world of chaos around us. These behaviors give me a subconscious but misguided feeling of control over my body and environment. But pushing myself to not engage in these compulsions gives me the real power here.