A Frame of Reference
My environment and I have a curious relationship. My somatosensory system is quite out of whack for the most part in trying to cope with the zillion gigabytes of information that is thrown my way. My system is simply overwhelmed most of the time producing in its wake a myriad of emotions, anxiety, obsessive compulsive and impulsive behaviors, and atypical behaviors. Combined with deficits in speech, fine motor skills and some body coordination issues, the result is my confusing spectrum diagnosis of Autism with a comorbid diagnosis of ADHD thrown into the mix. At the same time I am pretty intelligent cognitively. I can use my right and my left brain quite effectively, being good in both math/logic/science and creative expression. It is as though my cognition and my motor skills each travel on their own separate path. I am tossed around in a sea of emotions while trying to cope with the extremes of my challenges and strengths. It is only to be expected that an interplay of all these factors play a role in determining my personality, learning styles, self-concept, self-esteem and conflict resolution styles.
The learning style assessment seem to correctly reflect my tendency towards the Kinesthetic and Visual. Touch and movement helps in keeping my body grounded and organized, in that it keeps the connection between body and brain alive. In my mind too, I tend to form tactile images and memories. Many times however, my physical movement can be too much wherein it becomes distracting rather than conducive to learning; it really messes with my short term memory. Too much movement is exhausting. Visual input is especially important as it is tied into my proprioception (body position) and vestibular systems, so much so that darkness or closing my eyes can leave me feeling lost. I am struggling with the closing eyes part of learning meditation (to help calm me). Waking up to darkness at night can at times bring on a sense of panic. The visual system is the one I use most for academics. My hyper-sensory system along with a multi-tasking brain allows me to pick up nuances beyond the obvious, complete the required analysis, almost like a virtual networking map, and sequence the thought in mere moments, possibly contributing to my intelligence. During learning, my mind has a simultaneous approach wherein dendrites creep into the main concept and analyze details even as extra sensory input is looking outside and beyond the concept. Conversely, when creating, neurons almost massage a thought with charges such that it bubbles out into bigger cohesive ideas. The creative process is an absolute rush. I usually read very fast, kind of glancing at each page. My lack of motor dexterity however means that it takes forever to slowly type out the solution or my thoughts (like the proverbial tortoise) which my brain has reasoned out in mere seconds (the hare) , much to my chagrin. Auditory input is the hardest to deal with; the environmental cacophony at times aggravating the disorganization in the brain. But auditory is useful in learning pleasant sounds like music, sanskrit slokas or complex mentally challenging material- I can learn these often just by listening and do not need written material. My non-existent handwriting skills, and my reliance on support staff to make notes for me, means I often have to rely on what I hear and see, and use mental mapping to organise ideas and solve problems. Though I am reasonably good at math, my handwriting deficits also means I have to rely on special software for math symbols, in addition to not be able to do rough work on paper for math, which makes me nervous during testing time.
My Kiersey/ Myer-Briggs personality scores were equivalent for Introvert-Extrovert and higher for Intuitive (vs Sensing), Feeling (vs Thinking) and Judging (vs Perceiving) . My major issue with the Kiersey scoring was that I was torn between the ability of my brain and the inability of my physical responses when answering the questions, so I was wavering back and forth. Hampered speech and other challenges means I am unable to externally perform many tasks; I am still dependent on support staff to get much of my life going. My thought processes on the other hand are not dependent on motor skills, so they fly on a different plane. My disability forces me into an introvert role though I am mentally very people-oriented. Again though I love the spontaneity of a Perceiver (new neural pathways!), I am forced into a Judger role as predictability and organization are better for the resultant anxieties of dealing with my numerous challenges. I tend to be an idealist but lack the ability to implement much of the thought behind it. I felt the test was lacking somewhat as a true measure of my personality.
My Multiple Intelligence scores were above 4 for Logic/Math and Language and above 3 for Music, Self, Nature and Social, with Kinesthetic at the bottom with a score of 1. This was not surprising as Math, Language and Music patterns are all brain activities and I would be good at them. However the Birmingham Grid showed Kinesthetic at the top which was odd, as my crazy body movements are far from endearing,
I have huge issues with both Self Concept and Self Esteem. Even after I learnt to type and was able to communicate that I was capable of more than a dead-end special ed classroom, my school district was reluctant to mainstream me, forcing a homeschool route, rather than waste years litigating. What hurt intensely was the very people responsible for nurturing and educating me, were denying me education in addition to the many social opportunities that my typical peers take for granted as part of school life. Ironically, I ranked at grade 12 for math and college level for language in the psych-ed assessment done by the charter school. The most positive accolade in my school years was the trip to Carnegie Hall in New York to receive a Scholastic National Gold Award for my writing (the publication with a forward by Nobel Laureate Elie Wiesel that followed was an unexpected bonus). I especially liked the accompanying letter from Scholastic which stated, “You have demonstrated that you are an accomplished young writer and that you have the potential to do great things, no matter what profession you pursue.” More than anything, it was an acknowledgement of my talent and potential. I have managed to garner some 44 writing awards for writing since and even made it to high school valedictorian and national honor society. I even managed to work on a national archives project writing project that will be displayed at the Smithsonian in addition to being the editor for a braille periodical. The writing awards and academic awards are a balm but I seem to be a one-trick pony at the end of the day. I can be a great writer and have brilliant academic papers but the rest of my life is still a mess. I am fearful about the uncertainty of my future. I worry about the undue stress I place on my family. I worry about my health, the number of meds I take and their long term implications. I fear rejection by others and being alone. Support staff turnover is high as my behaviors are considered challenging to work with, which makes me wary of forming attachments as they may soon leave anyway. Subconsciously, I feel I almost act out to facilitate their departure and lessen any potential attachment. I long for interaction with actual friends, not just the ‘likes’ of 200 virtual facebook friends. Hampered skills due to my disability heighten anxieties and stop me from being productive and waste much of my days. I have regular Cognitive Behavior Therapy just to help me deal with my insecurities, anxieties, meltdowns and help me think more positively. My emotional roller coaster is not an easy ride. Ironically, I scored middle of the road on the self-esteem test, which I was felt was due to the questions themselves such as whether I could list my positive and negative qualities. It is not as though I don’t have some great strengths. I have been an inspiration to parents of other children with Autism. I’ve also been fortunate to have the handful of positive people in my life looking out for me and digging out opportunities for me. But I worry I will drive them away due to the excesses of my challenges. In essence, my self-esteem and self-concept suffer due to the chasm like gap between my significant strengths and equally significant challenges.
I have to agree with the my high score in Avoidance in the Thomas Killman Conflict Mode Assessment. I overthink and overanalyze the situation to an such extent that it ends with an unfavorable outcome in my mind. Which means I will do my best to avoid the conflict if possible. Avoiders are emotional to boot and I am all over the map with emotion regulation. Communication deficits and lack of coping skills put their oar in as well. What was intriguing to learn was that the Avoidance category often have had a childhood with lots of putting down and negative experiences - that’s special ed in my case. I have overheard all kinds of conversations in special ed classrooms in front of us as though we didn’t even exist. Autism does not mean deaf! The content has at times been mean and critical of us. No child should be subject to that. I’ve even had two elementary level teachers remark in my presence that they did not want me in their class. The saga apparently continues and more Berlin Walls are constructed in front of my eyes. Perhaps avoidance may be a good strategy in many of the frustrating situations I face; the other extreme alternative being excessive anxiety and emotional meltdowns. I apparently have a lot of personal baggage to overcome and will be facing a lot of naysayers all my life who will not look beyond the external disability. I want to make something of my life. I want possibility to turn into viable opportunity. I want to make my skills translate into something meaningful and help me and others like me along the way. Competition was my next highest score on the Thomas Killman conflict assessment, but inability due to the deficits in physical and communication skills often end in frustration. I feel I often am forced to settle for second best which adds to the sense of frustration.
I am hoping that meds and different therapies and treatments will help improve my emotion regulation, speech and sensory/organization issues. It has been 18 years and I am waiting on researchers to come through for me. I hope that attempts at CBT, yoga, meditation and other therapy will also ultimately pay off and help me attain some measure of living at peace with myself, my environment and people around me. I want my life to be useful and meaningful even as I crave equanimity, the ocean of tranquility.