Plant Rituals


Plant Rituals - Brahmi Thailam and Neem

(Assignment about 2 Plant Rituals for Prof David Presti's, Drugs and the Brain Class at Cal)
My family has been vegetarian for generations and so are deeply rooted in plant traditions.  I was hard pressed as to which ones to pick. I focus on two of these - Brahmi Thailam and Neem.
Many a  weekend, I’m given a hair oil massage with Brahmi Thailam. Thailam means oil in Ayurveda lingo. A head massage with Brahmi Thailam is a most relaxing experience.

Fingers massage oil into the scalp.
Transdermal absorption of Brahmi
Neurotransmitters observe as they flow
Neural Communication, dendrites grow

Brahmi Thailam is a widely used  Ayurveda Oil to improve the functioning of the brain and nervous system. The main ingredients of Brahmi Thailam are Bacopa monnieri and Emblica officinalis (Amla). Bacopa monnieri is a nootropic herb and is thought to directly impact cognition and memory while reducing anxiety. In addition to being an antioxidant it is also thought to promote  dendrite growth and thus neural connections.  It can’t really be ingested orally as it can cause nausea. The other ingredient Alma, is a widely used plant and is used in many forms. I found the fruit is sour and tart to taste. It is widely used in cooking (dried or pickled) and common in most  hair oil preparations sold in India. Amla  is high in Vitamin C and is believed to help in longevity and promoting hair growth as well as neural function.

Ayurveda doshas, underlying physiological energies
Vata  brain, nervous system
Pitha  bile, digestive system and more
Kapha wind, respiratory and circulatory
Balance of doshas is the goal.

I’ve had a personal love affair with Ayurveda oils after my few summers of Ayurveda treatment in in Kerala, South India. Most of my knowledge and love of Ayurveda comes from what I learnt during that time. The Shirodhara (warm Ayurveda oil is slowly dribbled on the forehead for a full hour) and Kizhi (warm bundles of oil soaked herbs are applied on the body) treatments were deeply relaxing for the body, and for that duration at least the mind and thoughts would be in tranquility. That is saying something, for my mind seems to be ever in an excitatory state with my hyperactivity and other autism challenges. I long for the calm meditative state that an Ayurveda treatment brings. Alas, the effect is but temporary for me. The days of intense Ayurveda treatments in the land of coconut trees and elephants maybe in the past but the ritual that has continued on is the hair oil massages. The strong tang of the ayurveda oil wafts all over the room and I feel I am back in Kerala again. I soak in the oil anywhere from 10 mins to half an hour before taking a shower.

Kerala,
Swaying Coconut trees, Elephants, Houseboats
Gentle backwaters meet the Arabian Sea
Ayurveda Central, deemed Danvantri

A specific set of herbs is boiled with either Sesame Oil or Coconut Oil as a base to make Ayurveda oils. The Ayurveda hospital in Kerala where I’d received treatment had its own manufacturing wing. There was one oil there which took 100 days to prepare over a slow wood fire. They believed in  old style preparation- wood instead of gas fires as the latter could destroy the property of the concoction. Coconut oil is thought to be a more effective base by many of the Ayurveda doctors. But Coconut Oil becomes rancid within a few months while Sesame Oil can have a shelf life of upto 10 years so is preferred. Kerala is kind of like the Ayurveda central of India as there is where Ayurveda originated and is most practised, even amongst regular families with the knowledge passed down from generation to generation.

As winter approaches here, my oil massages become less frequent as they cool the body and that is asking to catch a cold in cold weather. I just look forward to them when the weather warms up again.

Another interesting tradition is the use of Neem. (Azadirachta indica, Margosa or Indian Lilac).  It is supposedly the ultimate anti-bacterial. I brush my teeth every night with Neem powder. Actually, I sprinkle a little bit of Neem powder on top of the toothpaste. It tastes slightly bitter but one gets used to the taste. In the olden days, folks did not have toothbrushes or toothpaste so they chewed away at a twig of the neem tree each morning, which basically cleaned their teeth. My grandma mentioned that it has now made a comeback in modern India with local vegetable vendors selling fresh neem twigs. My grandma even got me some but I found it sensorily hard to sustain chewing the twig - it literally is like chewing on the end of a pencil - a woody taste. However, the twigs have to be fresh when they are still soft, which makes bringing them into the US difficult as they dry out. So the substitute  has been a sprinkle of Neem.

Neem Neem, the village Pharmacy
Central gathering place, shade and cool air
Treetop to root, how I use thee

The neem tree was often called the village pharmacy as it had so many beneficial qualities and can be used from treetop to root. The Neem tree was usually found in the central village square. My other grandma (who has a large Neem tree in her front yard) tells me that neem leaves are used to treat chickenpox even today. Neem has been found to have many medicinal  properties -  anti-inflammation, anti-ulcer, anti-fungal, antioxidant, anti-bacterial, anti-mutagenic, anti-viral, anti-carcinogen and a powerful immunomodulator. It is thought to be a powerful medicine for the GI tract. I was on Neem supplements a few years back to help with GI inflammation. At my home,  the dried Neem inflorescence is often toasted in sesame oil and sprinkled on food items like our digestive drink called Rasam, which I’ve learnt to make. It lends a lovely flavor though it can be a little bitter.

I could go on about other plant rituals, but alas this assignment only calls for two.

We Embrace, Accept CA

I was the Guest of Honor at the talent show of the newly formed non-profit for special needs individuals, We Embrace Accept CA. Accept CA was formed with a view to bridge the gap between the neurotypical experience and the special needs population.

It was an impressive set of performances from some quite "extra-ordinarly" special needs individuals. I was especially impressed by the bicycling skills of my 19 year old friend Athish who has CP. Most typical individuals take skills like biking for granted,  a skill that is easily mastered in childhood and then automated by the body. The act of biking actually involves all kinds of coordination, balance and motor skills. Athish has been learning to ride a bike only the last few months and was able to bike around the stage with little assistance all by himself. Bravo Athish! Athish's parents, Meena Kalyanasundaram and her husband Som are very old family friends of my folks and founders of Accept CA.

I also loved the Stand Up Comedy by 16 year old Riley Ross. This joke of autists taking phrases literally was definitely the best. His mom had told him his birthday was just around the corner and he walked around the block looking for it. He asked why his mom could not just have said that his birthday was the next week.  Young Aarnav has some lovely calendar skills - ask him any date in any years and within some 30-40 seconds, he comes back with the day of the week. He even throws in whether that year was a leap year or not.  Many of the kids performing have some pretty severe challenges, nevertheless they joyfully showcased  their Bollywood skills in the Happy Feet performance.

The Vatsalyam Bharatanatyam performance by co-founder Seena, was a poignant dance-drama portrayal of a mother's expectations and transformation. She expects  a typical child. the joy and fun activities she would have with that child. Instead she is bewildered with a child with  all kinds of issues that she was unprepared for. The dance interpretation of the transformation was quite riveting, especially the eye expressions.  She goes from devastation, grief and hurt to trying to pick up the pieces and fighting for her child. The sadness never quite goes up but it gets buried deeper along the way. I can totally understand as I have observed my mom (and Dad) go through many of these emotions. And these emotions are an ongoing process as disability continually brings with it periods of setbacks and new challenges at every stage of life which are very discouraging, yet they have to find the courage to move ahead.  I'd written a poem few years back, You Never Gave Up on Me.to appreciate not just my mom but all the mom's and caretakers.

I only stayed till intermission unfortunately. The mood-vagaries of my own disability caught up with me, causing a sudden bout of anxiety. It was just better for me to leave at that point. I was sad to have missed the rest of the event but I'm sure it was superb.

I know my journey has been an inspiration to many parents and given them lot of hope for their kids. A decade ago, no one would have thought that my someone with my significant level of challenges would make it to a world-class and top university such as UC Berkeley. Meena Aunty asked me to present a powerpoint of my journey plus any thoughts I had to share. The slides follow in next post

My family has known Athish and his parents Meena and Som since he was a baby and I’ve observed Athish’s progress over the years. Though we don’t communicate openly due to our respective sets of challenges, I could not be prouder to call him my friend. What a wonderful idea to start Accept CA.

Thanks Meena Aunty for having me there and honoring me as well by making me Guest of Honor.




Poison Plant Unmasked

Hari Srinivasan
Prof David Presti / GSI Carson McNeil
Psych C19 Drugs and the Brain


Commentary on Page 56, Pharmako Poeia by Dale Pendell

Poison Plant Unmasked

That plants have power is without a doubt. All are plant people in the end by fact and form, whether they be the modern science-backed western medicine or Ayurveda or the African Traditional Medicine. At times the poison of plants itself is the remedy. For instance, Foxglove is toxic yet has been used to develop treatments for congestive heart failure.

My sensory experience with plants has been largely influenced by the Ayurveda treatment I received in India over 5 summers in the coconut tree filled state of Kerala in South India. I have vivid memories of the scent of Ayurveda meds freshly concocted onsite from locally grown herbs in the nearby fields. The coconut and sesame oils boiled with Ayurveda powders made for sheer tranquility during the Shirodhara and Kizhi massages. The mind would be at peace and the soul in balance for that duration at least. The breeze from the nearby Bharatapuzha river would waft the scent through the cabin even as the cows on campus would wander up to receive a treat in the evenings. Even the very effective Ayurveda mosquito repellent smoke spread in the cabins in the evenings would carry the herbal tang in the air. But in all this euphoria, our eyes are blinded to the fundamental duality in life. For opposites coexist in all planes of life.

I am the power plant. I am the poison plant
… I build, I destroy
Fundamental Duality of Life
… Knowledge interlaced with ignorance

Debate: Plain Packaging on Tobacco Products

Hari Srinivasan
Prof David Presti / GSI Carson McNeil
Psych C19 Drugs and the Brain


First Debate at Cal for Prof David Presti's  Drugs and the Brain class
My task - Opening Statement 

Debate Topic: A plain-packaging requirement for tobacco products should NOT be implemented in the USA.

Our group supports the negative motion, that plain packaging for tobacco products should not be implemented.

It is ironic that in an age where more states are legalizing marijuana, which to a large extent is smoked, there is yet another move to suppress tobacco smoking through plain packaging. Tobacco has been around from ancient times. As we learnt in our last lecture, it was the primary shamanic plant of the Americas. It was used to bind friendships and seal covenants by Native Americans. The Hookah of the east has been around since the era of Akbar the Great in India. Why should Tobacco alone be demonized, targeted and penalized? After all it is but one of the many poison plants that we are surrounded by.

We argue that plain packaging is not evidence based, infringes on our intellectual property rights, curtails freedom of speech and  increases illicit trade.

A Guiness Record

Bragging Rights on the first day at UC Berkeley

Day 1 of Golden Bear Orientation for the incoming class of 9500 students
The incoming class got to participate in a Guinness World Record Event for the largest human letter. Took a few hours to form the letter inside Memorial Stadium. We were in line for a couple of hours outside the stadium waiting to get in. I'm somewhere in the bottom of the letter C.




Suite Seats for the Ball Game

SF Giants vs Oakland A's at AT&T Park last Thursday. Giants won 11-2. 
What an amazing suite level seats to see the game. The view from up there is amazing.
Thank you David and his parents Linda and Gary for inviting us. 
I totally loved the experience.

Happy Father's Day

Moods from worry about my future
To elation over past accomplishments

My dad
Dives with passion into cooking
Explore hip youtube recipes
International eating, GFCF  style

My dad
Fingers fly over the qwerty keys
Searching for solutions that may help me
unendingly

My dad
We watch basketball and football heavily
Sprinkles of cricket and tennis thrown in
Warriors Champs 2017

My dad
Quite the best Bud really
Happy  Father’s Day


Plans. Dad and I will have a father-son lunch on sunday.

SJCC Commencement

I graduated from San Jose City College. Yeah!

Looking forward to going to UC Berkeley



Highlights

- Special Callout for Outstanding Academic Achievement during the Commencement.

(That was quite unexpected)

- I had been shortlisted (list of 5) for valedictorian too

- Three tassels on my cap. Yellow for Honors, Purple - Transfer, Black - Regular)

- Yellow Honor Cord

- Lots of Sashes - a silver one from DSP too.

- My Patti (grandma) was able to attend.


Graduation Album

A Baby Bundle



A Baby Bundle

A baby bundle handed to you.
Eyes in slumber or gazing at you
Innocence personified!!


Lightning flash……..


It’s gonna be...
Love at First Sight!





Impact of Autism and Coping Strategies in Indian-American Families


Impact of Autism and Coping Strategies in Indian-American Families.
Hari Srinivasan

APA Poster


Abstract
This paper explores the impact of autism and coping strategies amongst  Indian-American families living in the San Francisco Bay Area. Descriptive information on the challenges faced, coping strategies and a stress score (as measured by the Cohen Perceived Stress Scale) was gathered from 18 Indian-American parents of individuals with autism. The study finds that  high levels of stress amongst the ASD families (sample mean of 19.2) compared to the non-ASD families (population mean of 13). The study found that the age of the ASD family member does not seem to influence stress levels. There is however  a direct correlation between the severity of challenging ASD symptoms and the level of stress.  

This study suggests that if causes are better understood about the underlying physiological conditions for each specific case of autism, rather than classifying autism into one broad bucket, it may lead to more targeted treatments and better support systems could be put in place as well.

Positive outcomes for ASD individuals lead to less stress for families. Families also need more comprehensive support and resources in planning and supporting the needs of their ASD family member. Less stress for families leads to better outcomes for the ASD individuals.


A Case Study in the Neural Basis of Communication Challenges

[Concepts in Sensorimotor Research]


An Assignment on Speech and Language 


The chapter on the Physiology of Speech and Language is frustratingly close to home for me as I am severely limited by both my expressive speech and almost very poor handwriting skills (along with other stuff). So I thought I would look at the concepts in this chapter in terms of a case-study of an impacted individual, namely me.

A Case Study in the Neural Basis of Communication Challenges

H is a young adult, who was diagnosed with Autism at age 3. His was a case of regressive Autism in which infants who seem to develop typically and meet developmental milestones,  lose much of their language and other skills soon after the 18 month mark. H exhibits both speech and motor (writing) challenges. This report is an attempt to delineate H’s communication challenges along with the current scientific knowledge about their neural basis.

H’s consistent expressive speech ranges to a dozen or so few key phrases. His articulation may be hard to understand for people not familiar with him.  He can repeat phrases and can sing, though his prosody and articulation are inconsistent.  In receptive language skills, he is well above age cognitively.  He was fortunate to learn typing on an AAC device as a mode of communication which has helped improve his quality of life. What is intriguing in this case is that the subject is very articulate when it comes to written communication, yet struggles with basic conversational speech. H’s communication challenges could broadly be placed under Apraxia of Speech diagnosis though there may be an overlap with other diagnoses related to communication. Since the loss of speech was at an early age, it is often referred to as Developmental Apraxia or Developmental Dyspraxia,.

Apraxia of Speech is an impaired ability to consistently produce and sequence the facial/oral muscles to produce the sounds and syllables required in spoken language. H has reported that he knows what he wants to say but he is not able to sequence that thought into actual speech at that particular moment. He also exhibits other oral-motor skill issues such as challenges in properly chewing food. Studies of brain lesions of patients with Apraxia of Speech provide evidence of impairment in the left precentral gyrus of the insular cortex. Other studies have confirmed the findings that “articulation activated the left insular insula.

Spontaneous talking requires information to flow from the sensory-motor association cortex into the posterior language area of Broca’s area. Then the act of talking itself requires some significant and rapid movement, sequencing and coordination of numerous facial and oral motor muscles (tongue, lips, jaw) along with the vocal chords. Broca’s area along with the inferior caudal left front lobe is implicated in, “memories of sequences of muscular movements used to articulate words,” (Carlson). In addition, Broca’s area is also directly connected to the part of the primary cortex that controls speech muscles. So Broca’s area seems to be a  major player in H’s case.

H does not seem to exhibit significant challenges in the precursors to spoken language - such as perception of present and past events, memories (with some occasional deficits in  short term memory), thoughts and the desire to communicate. Comprehension does not seem to be impacted, which seems to rule out Wernicke’s area as a source of concern. Wernicke’s area is however connected to Broca’s area through the arcuate fasciculus, also known as the Phonological Loop. This connection seems to play a role in the short term memory of speech sounds. H has exhibited difficulty in repeating back  longer strings of words or forgetting the speech sounds of words he’d just read aloud.

There are elements of aphasia involved in that H exhibits anomia (groping for words) in addition to difficulty with articulation.  H likens his word finding difficulty to a, “spotlight effect;”  when placed in a situation where  he is required to speak, adding to the “tongue-tied” result, which in his case is word-retrieval difficulty. If a beginning sound such as the sound “M” is given to him as a prompt, he may cycle through his mental dictionary of words starting with that sound. For example if therapist Michael (vs Michelle) is at the door, H may greet him as, “Hi Michelle,” and a few other names, before arriving at the correct, “Hi Michael.” The word retrieval difficulty ranges from mild to significant on any given day.  H’s history has included EEG’s showing mild disturbances in the temporal lobe. Studies of brain lesions have linked the temporal lobe to the word-retrieval issues.   

Studies have found parallels between spoken language and  written language. For example H, exhibits difficulty in the prosody (rhythm, tone, emphasis) of spoken language which is believed to be controlled by neural connections in the right hemisphere. In his handwriting attempts too, there is disruption in the motor organization of the letters and spacing on the page, believed to be controlled by the dorsal parietal lobe and the premotor cortex. The act of handwriting activates the dorsal parietal lobe, the premotor cortex and the primary cortex.  H exhibits poor motor memory of the motor sequences of space, size and spacing of letters that is required for handwriting. Both attempts at speech and attempts at handwriting therefore are labored and prone to errors. Communication via typing has somewhat simplified the motor aspects of forming letters for H as that requires  keys to be pressed as compared to gripping a pen and drawing letters.

The overarching nature of the Autism Spectrum, with little knowledge of its physiological underpinnings means that there could be many other factors which play into the communication challenges. What is intriguing in H’s case (and frustrating for H himself) is the huge chasm between his motor ability (both speech and writing) and his comprehension and cognition skills.  Basic communication, especially spontaneous speech, is however a critical aspect of daily human functioning and hence its lack greatly affects the individual’s quality of life.  Our scientific understanding of neural workings, unfortunately have not yet reached a level where it  translates into meaningful treatment manipulation.


Psych 22: Biological Psychology

Winds of Change


Winds of change 


Mangled Cognitive distortions

Oppressive muddy skies 

Swallowed by emotional whirlpool 

Lost anchor to the gentle breeze



Tornado rages on

No respite...

Blazing an unwanted path

OCDs gleely plunge in. 

Anchor buffeted about 



Login needed anon

Try, try, But how?

Drowning mind needs to stretch

An anchor out of reach

A tsunami at sea, tailspin 

Autism and the ANS

A writeup I did for my college Biological Psychology Course

-------

Hari Srinivasan

Psych 22: Biological Psychology



Autism and the ANS

Abstract

Autism as a spectrum disorder is still not fully understood as it comes in many variants which indicate varied underlying psychological basis. This paper discusses the role of the nervous system in Autism, specifically the Autonomic Nervous System. While research is underway in the path towards its biological underpinnings, a much better understanding is required before it can translate into meaningful treatments in order to improve the quality of life for the affected ASD population.  



        Autism and the Nervous System



Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD) is a lifelong neurological disorder with its onset commonly in early childhood. The DSM-V classification of ASD is largely based on observable external behaviors such as  deficits in social-emotional skills, repetitive behaviors, and communication skills. However the condition also seems to be accompanied by a whole host of co-morbid conditions such as ADHD, mood disorders, sleep disorders, intellectual disability, obsessive compulsive behaviors, and sensory dysregulation. Epigenetics could also play a role wherein the environment affects gene expression. A mix and match of varying degrees of severity in these parameters result in huge numbers of people that fit this spectrum disorder. One in every 110 children is being diagnosed with ASD in the US today . The severity ranges from individuals who are non -verbal and/or with many challenging behaviors to those who are barely distinguishable from their peers.

         

There has been an increasing focus on the role the nervous system plays in the physiological underpinnings of autism. For instance, my personal experience as a person in the ASD spectrum points to the inability of the ASD individual’s nervous system to handle environmental input as the probable cause behind the atypical “stim” (ie: self  stimulatory) mannerisms. An example is walking into a crowded room and hearing every conversation in the room at the same volume, and being unable to filter out the ones the individual needs to focus on.  The ASD individual may resort to atypical behaviors like flicking fingers in front of his eyes, generating their own verbal sounds or even banging their hands on their heads, all in an attempt to drown out the environmental visual and auditory cacophony. Social and communication skills are part of a typical person’s toolbox in coping with stressful situations; deficits in these areas often prevent an easy resolution for the ASD individual, heightening the problem. So sensory stimulation can result in hyper-arousal, hypo arousal or sensory seeking behaviors in ASD individuals.  


My personal observation and experience as an individual on the ASD spectrum has also been that of an unclear sense of body-schema  which could well be the cause of the constant movement exhibited by many on the spectrum.  It is almost as though the brain has to continually ascertain the position of the parts of the rest of the body in space and time.  The continual movement of the body (a movement disorder) could be an adaptive effort to keep this connection between brain and body alive. Without the movement, it would be like a brain that was lost as it did not feel attached to the body. A sense of panic could well set in when waking up in the dark at night and feeling body-less, thereby affecting sleep patterns and mood. According to the Subiaul et al (2007), “ It is well known that individuals with autism have poor body schemas and suffer from impairments in motor functioning, and planning.”  Ergo, ASD individuals exhibit atypical Autonomic Nervous System activity,

         

The Autonomic Nervous System (ANS) is part of the Peripheral Nervous System.  The ANS regulates our internal organs thus involving a lot of actions that are involuntary in nature. The ANS has 3 parts  - the Sympathetic Nervous System, the Parasympathetic Nervous System and the Enteric Nervous System.  The Sympathetic, “controls functions that accompany arousal and expenditure of energy,” while the parasympathetic, “controls functions that occur during relaxed state,” (Carlson, 2013). Many studies have backed observations about atypical ANS activity in Autism, such as the study by  Schaaf et al. (2015) which found that  ASD participants exhibited,  “a different pattern of parasympathetic activity”.  Changes in heart rate (specifically RSA or Respiratory Sinus Arrythma) in response to sensory stimuli is an oft-used measure of Parasympathetic activity in studies due to its non-invasive nature while variants of EGC’s are needed for measuring sympathetic activity (Schaaf et al., 2015).  Schaaf et al. also point to other studies that show atypical arousal levels in sympathetic system in ASD individuals. Interestingly the sympathetic activity  decreased in some studies and increased in other studies,  leading researchers to conclude that  ASD individuals would, “engage in self-stimulatory  or active sensory seeking behaviors to either dampen or increase sympathetic levels in order to calm or arouse themselves,” respectively (Schaaf et al, 2015).  Even as scientists and researchers agree more and more on ANS dysregulation in the ASD population,  “the exact nature  of the ANS dysregulation is [still] not clear,”.

         

Such self stimulatory mannerisms and movement issues, being almost involuntary in nature, pose one of the biggest challenges for an ASD individual and their families as they are considered socially inappropriate and make societal inclusion and acceptance all that much harder for the ASD individual especially as an adult.  It is clear that further insight into understanding the biological underpinnings of the ANS dysregulation in Autism is necessary before it can translate into meaningful and targeted treatments for the ASD population.  For instance, the neurotransmitters,  acetylcholine and norepinephrine play a major role in the ANS; the manipulation of which via pharmaceuticals could potentially play a future role in treatment and thereby improving the quality of life for ASD individuals. In the meantime, many in the Autism population continue to muddle through their overwhelming sensory environment hampered by a dysregulated Autonomic Nervous System.  

A Frame of Reference - My Kiersey Myer Briggs Results


A Frame of Reference
My environment and I have a curious relationship. My somatosensory system is quite out of whack for the most part in trying to cope with the zillion gigabytes of information that is thrown my way. My system is simply overwhelmed most of the time producing in its wake a myriad of emotions, anxiety, obsessive compulsive and impulsive behaviors, and atypical behaviors.  Combined with deficits in speech, fine motor skills and some body coordination issues, the result is my confusing spectrum diagnosis of Autism with a  comorbid diagnosis of ADHD thrown into the mix. At the same time I am pretty intelligent cognitively. I can use my right and my left brain quite effectively, being good in both math/logic/science and creative expression.  It is as though my cognition and my motor skills each travel on their own separate path. I am tossed around in a sea of emotions while trying to cope with the extremes of my challenges and strengths. It is only to be expected that an interplay of all these factors play a role in determining my personality, learning styles, self-concept, self-esteem and conflict resolution styles.

The  learning style assessment seem to correctly reflect my tendency towards the Kinesthetic and Visual.  Touch and movement helps in keeping my body grounded and organized, in that it keeps the connection between body and brain alive.  In my mind too, I tend to form tactile images and memories. Many times  however, my physical movement can be too much wherein it becomes distracting rather than conducive to learning; it really messes with my short term memory. Too much movement is exhausting. Visual input is especially important as it is tied into my proprioception (body position) and vestibular systems, so much so that darkness or  closing my eyes can leave me feeling lost.  I am struggling with the closing eyes part of learning meditation (to help calm me).  Waking up to darkness at night can at times bring on a sense of panic. The visual system is the one I use most for academics. My hyper-sensory system along with a multi-tasking brain allows me to pick up nuances beyond the obvious, complete the required analysis, almost like a virtual networking map,  and sequence the thought in mere moments,  possibly contributing to my intelligence. During learning, my mind has a simultaneous approach wherein dendrites creep into the main concept and analyze details even as extra sensory input is looking outside and beyond the concept.  Conversely, when creating, neurons almost massage a thought with charges such that it bubbles out into  bigger cohesive ideas. The creative process is an absolute rush. I usually read very fast, kind of glancing at each page. My lack of motor dexterity however means that it takes forever to slowly type out the solution or my thoughts (like the proverbial tortoise) which my brain has reasoned out in mere seconds (the hare) , much to my chagrin. Auditory input is the hardest to deal with; the environmental cacophony at times  aggravating the disorganization in the brain. But auditory is useful in learning pleasant sounds like music,  sanskrit slokas or complex mentally challenging material- I can learn these often just by listening and do not need written material. My non-existent handwriting skills, and my reliance on support staff to make notes for me, means I often have to rely on what I hear and see, and use mental mapping to organise ideas and solve problems. Though I am reasonably good at math, my handwriting deficits also means I have to rely on special software for math symbols, in addition to not be able to do rough work on paper for math, which makes me nervous during testing time.

My Kiersey/ Myer-Briggs personality scores were equivalent for Introvert-Extrovert and higher for Intuitive (vs Sensing), Feeling (vs Thinking) and Judging (vs Perceiving) . My major issue with the Kiersey scoring was that I was torn between the ability of my brain and the inability of my physical responses when answering the questions, so I was wavering back and forth. Hampered speech and other challenges means  I am unable  to externally perform many tasks; I am still dependent on support staff to get much of my life going. My thought processes on the other hand are not dependent on motor skills, so they fly on a different plane. My disability forces me into an  introvert role though I am mentally very people-oriented.  Again though I love the spontaneity of a Perceiver (new neural pathways!),  I am forced into a Judger role as predictability and organization are better for the resultant anxieties of dealing with my numerous challenges. I tend to be an idealist but lack the ability to implement much of the thought behind it.  I felt the test was lacking somewhat as a true measure of my personality.

My Multiple Intelligence scores were above 4 for  Logic/Math  and Language  and above 3 for Music, Self, Nature and Social, with Kinesthetic at the bottom with a score of 1. This was not surprising as Math, Language and Music patterns are all brain activities and I would be good at them. However the Birmingham Grid showed Kinesthetic at the top which was odd, as my crazy body movements are far from endearing,

I have huge issues with both Self Concept and Self Esteem. Even after I learnt to type and was able to communicate that I was capable of more than a dead-end special ed classroom, my school district was reluctant to mainstream me, forcing a homeschool route, rather than waste years litigating. What hurt intensely  was the very people responsible for nurturing and educating me, were denying me education in addition to the many social opportunities that my typical peers take for granted as part of school life.  Ironically, I ranked at grade 12 for math and college level for language in the psych-ed assessment done by the charter school. The most positive accolade in my school years was the trip to Carnegie Hall in New York to receive a Scholastic National Gold Award for my writing (the publication with a forward by Nobel Laureate Elie Wiesel that followed was an unexpected bonus). I especially liked the accompanying letter from Scholastic which stated, “You have demonstrated that you are an accomplished young writer and that you have the potential to do great things, no matter what profession you pursue.” More than anything, it was an acknowledgement of my talent and potential. I have managed to garner some 44 writing awards for writing since and even made it to high school valedictorian and national honor society. I even managed to work on a national archives project writing project that will be displayed at the Smithsonian in addition to being the editor for a braille periodical. The writing awards and academic awards are a balm but I seem to be a one-trick pony at the end of the day. I can be a great writer and have brilliant academic papers but the rest of my life is still a mess. I am fearful about the uncertainty of my future. I worry about the undue stress I place on my family.  I worry about my health, the number of meds I take and their long term implications.  I fear rejection by others and being alone. Support staff turnover is high as my behaviors are considered challenging to work with, which makes me wary of forming attachments as they may soon leave anyway. Subconsciously, I feel I almost act out to facilitate their departure and lessen any potential attachment. I long for interaction with actual friends, not just the ‘likes’ of 200 virtual facebook friends. Hampered skills due to my disability heighten anxieties and stop me from being productive and waste much of my days.  I have regular Cognitive Behavior Therapy  just to help me deal with my insecurities,  anxieties, meltdowns and help me think more positively. My emotional roller coaster is not an easy ride. Ironically, I  scored middle of the road on the self-esteem test, which I was felt was due to the questions themselves such as whether I could list my positive and negative qualities. It is not as though I don’t have some great strengths. I have been an inspiration to parents of other children with Autism. I’ve also been fortunate to have the handful of positive people in my life looking out for me and digging out opportunities for me. But I worry I will drive them away due to the excesses of my challenges. In essence, my self-esteem and self-concept suffer due to the chasm like gap between my significant strengths and equally significant challenges.  

I have to agree with the my high score in Avoidance in the Thomas Killman Conflict Mode Assessment. I overthink and overanalyze the situation to an such extent that it ends with an unfavorable outcome in my mind. Which means I will do my best to avoid the conflict if possible. Avoiders are emotional to boot and I am all over the map with emotion regulation. Communication deficits and lack of coping skills put their oar in as well. What was intriguing to learn was that the Avoidance category often have had a childhood with lots of putting down and negative experiences - that’s special ed in my case.  I have overheard all kinds of conversations in special ed classrooms in front of us as though we didn’t even exist. Autism does not mean deaf! The content has at times been mean and critical of us. No child should be subject to that.  I’ve even had two elementary level teachers remark in my presence that they did not want me in their class. The saga apparently continues and more Berlin Walls are constructed in front of my eyes.   Perhaps avoidance may be a good strategy in many of the frustrating situations I face; the other extreme alternative being excessive anxiety and emotional meltdowns. I apparently have a lot of personal baggage to overcome and will be facing a lot of naysayers all my life who will not look beyond the external disability.  I want to make something of my life. I want possibility to turn into viable opportunity. I want  to make my skills translate into something meaningful and help me and others like me along the way. Competition was my next highest score on the Thomas Killman conflict assessment, but inability due to the deficits in physical and communication skills often end in frustration. I feel I often am forced to settle for second best which adds to the sense of frustration.

I am hoping that meds and different therapies and treatments will help improve my emotion regulation, speech and sensory/organization issues. It has been 18 years and I am waiting on researchers to come through for me.  I hope that attempts at CBT, yoga, meditation and other therapy will also ultimately pay off and help me attain some measure of living at peace with myself, my environment and people around me.  I want my life to be useful and meaningful even as  I crave equanimity, the ocean of tranquility.

Retrograde Motion

A Matter of Perspective - Retrograde Motion

Sometimes Mars seems to move backward - every wonder why! Perhaps its a matter of Perspective